Feeling aligned on my path has been a process of being wounded, and finding healing.
For a very long time, especially during my teenage years, I was lost and didn’t know how to embrace myself. I struggled immensely with anger and deep rooted insecurities. I lacked any kind of self love.
One of the biggest things that held me back was my inability to be vulnerable. My mindset and programming was telling me that in order to survive, I had to be tough. I later realized that being tough all of the time was unnecessary and did not serve me.
It was normal for me to keep a strong guard up due to instances where I’d been betrayed, abandoned and violated. I felt very separated from most people. More importantly, I felt dissociated from myself. Vulnerability was foreign and scary.
In order to function and survive, I suppressed my scary and dark feelings. I dealt with this voice in my head that told me to keep everything a secret, and let no one know what was going on inside. The fear of being judged was too painful. My happiness was dependent on something external. My search of fulfillment included toxic relationships, drugs, alcohol, and distractions. I had no self love so I was dating masters of manipulation, because ultimately I believed I was unworthy of goodness.
I saw myself in a situation of failure so I rebelled. I rebelled hard. I blamed everyone else for my deep, complex relationship with anger. For years I continued on this self-destructive path.
I allowed myself to play the victim role for a long time. I had no true relationship with myself, and it was so easy to just surrender to my failures, suffering, and pain to the responsibility of others. Because of this I did not have a healthy relationship with anyone in my life, including my family.
Difficult events and experiences came along to highlight the pain in my life, which forced me to see my fractured parts. These events opened my heart and mind to become aware of where my wounds are, where they came from, and how to face them. This is what showed me that I needed to heal, and ultimately facilitated it.
I felt that there was something inauthentic about the way I was living. I was disconnected from my instincts and genuine feelings. Therefore, I had to surrender the way I was instinctively navigating my life. Surrendering meant letting go of the part of my ego that told me I needed something outside of myself to be fulfilled. I decided to embrace my painful emotions. I finally let myself be vulnerable, and that led to my healing.
Some things aren’t easy to let go of. I learned to let go anyway. I chose to let go of being emotionally reactive, taking things personally, and toxic relationships. I stopped self sabotaging and learned to love and accept myself. This included all parts of myself, even the ones that I was scared to face.
This is what I discovered: My freedom is more important than being stuck in fear. With an open heart, I continuously show up for myself. This, in turn, allows me to show up for others in a way that isn’t sabotaging myself.
What I learned is that courage means being scared and following through anyway. Healing doesn’t happen in a linear way, it is a spiraling process of contraction and expansion. Having the feelings of the world turning upside down numerous amounts of times, is where transformation happens.
My freedom began when I healed my relationship with myself.
The relationship I have built with myself is a relationship like no other. It is selfless, nurturing, loving, respectful, and authentic. As moments in time go by, this relationship gets better and stronger. Of course, I still experience pain and sadness. But ultimately, love conquers all.
From my understanding, strength really is vulnerability. First, to be authentic and raw with myself. Then, allowing others to see the real me. This was the ultimate catalyst to personal power and freedom for me.